Learning About the Heart

I don’t know what has brought you to this blog, what made you want to read it and honestly if you even want to listen to it.  I am just writing what I have learned in hopes of processing out loud to learn even more and hopefully you can learn from my experiences.

So this obviously is directed towards girls and its going to be a lot about my heart and how it relates to guys and relationships and how God is somehow working through all of it... (gosh another site on this) but hopefully you will find my perspective a little different.  

I guess you should know a little about me for this to be able to work.

I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’ve never been kissed.

Now before those who feel like they have ‘baggage’ stop here just listen to how these experiences led me to learn more about my heart as a woman, you might recognize a few things.

I grew up a tom boy so I am great at playing the role of ‘just friend’.  I was perfectly fine with this role until high school.  Oh the dreaded years of high school, no I wasn’t bullied over it at all.  What happened to me was this, I let myself get distracted by the world.  God had saved me at a young age which had given me clarity to just dive in deeper with Him and just want to know Him more.  All of a sudden in high school all of my friends were dating and apparently I didn’t get the memo.

My immediate thought was what is wrong with me? Why was I not the one who was chosen? Was there nothing special about me that made a guy want to pursue me? God created marriage so shouldn’t it be something I strive toward and to have this don’t I need a guy to pursue me?

The progression of how badly I thought of myself just spiraled from there.

1. It started off innocent enough that I just don’t know how to flirt (which is true) and that’s why no one pursued me.  I just didn’t know how to show interest.

Picture from Natural Beauty Haven

2. The next step after awhile was, ‘well its got to be more than the flirting I feel like a guy could get pass that, it has to be my tom boyish ways;’ and enter the nightmarish experimenting with make-up phase.  I had been complimented on my eyes over the years and so thats what I focused on when I first started doing my make-up.  Needless to say when you feel like you have to compensate instead of just playing around with it, I over did the mascara and eye-liner; I looked like a raccoon.

3. When the changing my tom-boyish ways didn’t work, the worst and final phase was something was physically wrong with me.  Now I trusted God had made me a certain way for a certain reason so I didn’t think about altering myself in any way, but gosh did I think that my certain way was ugly.  You name it, I thought it was wrong with me.  My nose was too big, my uneven eyes, my disproportionate hips, my love handles, my messed up teeth, etc.  I thought God had made me ugly in order to teach me in that particular way.  

“Woman Alone"Picture from Live Action Blog

I remember nights asking why did you make me like this? Why didn’t you make me at least tolerable? I wanted to marry a Christian man and take on the world together for Christ and teach our children about Christ, but how was that going to happen if I couldn’t get one to pay attention to me?  I knew I wasn’t supposed to flaunt myself and throw myself on everyone, the man was supposed to lead, but there wasn’t a Christian man wanting to lead.

And thats when God said to me “You are absolutely beautiful my darling with no imperfection in you." (Songs of Solomon 4:7) “He will exult over you with loud singing” (Zephaniah 3:17) “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalms 139:14) God is the perfect lover of my soul, not just a fatherly love but lover.  I’d seen God as intimate but not that intimate; it honestly kind of scared me and it was hard to grasp at first.  I was starting to understand His love for me and it is patient, kind, not boastful, basically all the things of 1 Corinthians 13 neither you or me will ever be.

I thank God for allowing me to learn this way(now) because it taught me a lot about root desires of a woman.  I was wanting to be desired, I wanted someone to choose me and call me beautiful.  I wanted someone to be able to fight for me and push past my awkwardness.  Isn’t that what we all want is someone to call us beautiful and say “you are mine.”  That we are never too much or never not enough.  Thats why so many girls give themselves away and suffer through horrible relationships or fall into destructive habits.   God is the answer to all of these things, you are not only His daughter but lover.  How in the world do you think they came up with the “He has to love you through God’s eyes;” because God is your lover!! Face it as awkward as it seems at first, it is allowing God to meet you on all levels and that’s all He wants to do is to have and to know all of you.

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
 he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.” 
Isaiah 43:1